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The ‘List’: Dating ≠ Marriage

This is the second post in an ongoing series on Relationships. Part 1 was on Proverbs 31: the Hard to Find Woman? It was just my thoughts on what I read. My hope is that this series supports and intentionalizes more quality, Godly relationships; and stops some of the childish bickering that happens through an insightful and funny series. Forewarning: this is not against 'dating with the intent to marry'.

Dating ≠ Marriage

I am going to say it again: Dating does not equal marriage.

Dating is a step in the process toward marriage. That is why they are two separate words. I feel like, particularly in the Christian culture, there is this association that dating equals marriage. There is good reason to think so because Christians should not be hopping from the next person to the next person, having a flavor of the week.  You may disagree with me on this one, it is just how I was taught, you can help me expand if you disagree.

Another reason is Christian parents or parents in general ask 'what are your intentions for dating my son/daughter?' This is such a trick question. Obviously, if the relationship is progressing positively, the ultimate goal is marriage. For the guy, it is usually the dad who asks this question, who is a GUY. He already knows what your intentions are!

Going out for coffee, going to grab a bite to eat, does not mean marriage. I repeat: Going out for coffee, going to grab a bite to eat, does not mean marriage. It should not be awkward. And it should be commonplace. I see it done time and time again. Girls bringing down other girls. I say girls because guys don't really bring down other guys..........................then again, there is a different breed of guys...

The Femin-itro (Fem-I-KNEE-Tro): like Oh My Gosh! like do you see who he is sitting with? Like O-M-G!!!

Immature Single Girl: like Oh My Gosh! like do you see who she is sitting with? Like O-M-G!!!

The Guy: Do Work Son!

How else are you going to build relationship? How else will you know if important interests align? Facebook stalk? No thanks, not for me. And anyone who doesn't think so can reread this post every day for the next 100 days.

I think another reason why we associate dating with marriage even before we date is that most of the spiritual figures we look up to were one and done. If not, then we don't hear about it, for good reason because they are married!, and assume they were one and done. Assuming is bad. You hear these 'Cinderella-tale-esque stories' of how they met, one side got a Word, waited a year, then courted, dated, and married three months later. However, if you grew up in the church and that is all you saw as an example, in your mind you will begin to associate the fact that once you date; it will end up in marriage. Grow up in a public high school, even junior high, dare I say elementary, you realize hook ups and break ups happen every week.  So when you associate dating with marriage; you are puting unnecessary pressure on the whole dating process. Maybe this explains why guys aren't asking as much? This does not go against 'dating with the intent to marry'. I am not saying you should just go around from date to date. What I am saying is that you put WAY too much pressure on yourself if you think you will marry this girl/guy before you even go out on a date.

On the flip side, there is a negative view on those who have dated several people and it has not worked out with any of them. We think 'oh this person is just sha-moozing around'. We bring down those who are actively looking! We dont honor courage. We degrade it.

Now I should point out that before any relationship you start, that you have your 'ish' together, min. (I may do a post on this later) And if you dont, that you are working really, really hard to get your 'ish' together. A reason why I get confused at elementary or junior high relationships. There is a thin line between properly going about dating and it not working out & going from relationship to relationship, using that as a crutch to the REAL relationship that you need.

The 'List'

Everyone has a 'list'. Some are short. Some are long. I have one. You have one. The 'list' are requirements for date-ability. For some people, you may need to only hit a couple requirements. For others, you need to complete a five page application. For my awesome single women friends, I require a five page application for them. I only hope they do, too.

A good friend recently said, 'Some girls are getting desperate'. So I asked what do you mean by desperate? And the friend replied that some of the older women were 'settling'. Now, I don't like the word settling. I would say reprioritizing priorities or shortening the list. Look, I dont believe anyone should settle. Your 'list' has changed. My 'list' has changed. Our priorities change with time. We appreciate some things more as we grow older, and other traits become less of a desire. The friend went on and said 'there is only so much a woman can do'. I cant even imagine being a girl. It is easy for me to say to my friend 'ya but they can do more'. But can they? All but ask the guys out? Are we THAT blind? Dont women want to be chased? Dont women want to be sought after?

I am not going to just fault the guys though. The 'list' has deterred would be high quality men because they didn't meet this 'requirement' or that minimum net worth. So for the 32 year olds out there, I appreciate you not settling but I would definitely re-evaluate the priorities needed for a potential mate, even date! Ahh! Even I convolute dating and marriage! Because the 'one' is not going to come on a Disney white horse with long lushious dark hair, and abs washboarded like Cristiano Ronaldo. Then there are other girls who I meet and got to know and am like 'dang-girl-I-know-why-you-aint-married-!' Please don't misinterpret me here that I would just say that about someone after just meeting them. Unless they're straight CRAZY!

In part 1, God gives a 'list' for guys. Does this woman sound too good to be true? Perhaps she is, but not really. The woman described here is an idealized woman, a composite of many capable women. How do I know they exist? My mom is one of them. After all, not all people have the same skills. Some women’s strengths are in music or art. Others may be in mathematics, teaching or business. Some are better managers and organizers than others. While some women may excel at coming up with ideas, others may be more skilled at creating or producing what has been invented by someone else. No one excels at everything.

So please do yourself and others a favor by re-evaluating your 'list'. And stop asking every dating person when they will get married, because they've only been on one date!

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