The Opposite of Settling is Unsettling
This is the third post in an ongoing series on Relationships. Part 2 was on The 'List': Dating ≠Marriage. How dating does not inherently mean you will marry that person. And that the 'list' can be more of a hindrance than an aid. My hope is that this series supports and intentionalizes more quality, Godly relationships; and stops some of the childish bickering that happens through an insightful and funny series.
I read an interesting article by Lori Gottlieb who argues that settling is a better option for the 30+ year old than waiting some more for Mr. Right. We all have a choice & choosing depends on a whole gamut of variables. I know plenty of happy, content 30 year old women. But in our culture, you are not 'there yet' if you are still single into your 30's.
Obviously, I wasn’t always an advocate of settling. In fact, it took not settling to make me realize that settling is the better option, and even though settling is a rampant phenomenon, talking about it in a positive light makes people profoundly uncomfortable. Whenever I make the case for settling, people look at me with creased brows of disapproval or frowns of disappointment, the way a child might look at an older sibling who just informed her that Jerry’s Kids aren’t going to walk, even if you send them money. It’s not only politically incorrect to get behind settling, it’s downright un-American. Our culture tells us to keep our eyes on the prize (while our mothers, who know better, tell us not to be so picky), and the theme of holding out for true love (whatever that is — look at the divorce rate) permeates our collective mentality. - Gottlieb
I am not a woman. I am not 35. or 30. or 25 for that matter. So I have no idea what women are going through when processing relationships. So my feeble attempt to say settling is bad, is a mixed doctrine of American success and wanting the best of the best + God's favor and always expecting the best in my life. I definitely do not agree with parts, even most, of her article but Gottlieb brings up some good points.
To the Men: So you've got the degree. You've got the career. But you don't have the woman. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? The next total solar eclipse? Well, good because one just happened July 11th, 2010. The next one is November 12, 2012. I hope you are not waiting for that one...
To the Women: So you've got the degree. You've got the career. But you don't have the man. What do you do next? Keep waiting, like you have been, for Mr. Right to come along?
Through Feminist teachings, I think we do a disservice to Proverbs 31; that you need to have all these characteristics before you meet somebody. Now I am not against women equality. Back in the old day, they married really young. And actually I don't think you had the option of choosing. The characteristics were developed. So for guys and girls, one of the most important characteristics to have is to see and fulfill potential, in yourself and in your future spouse. We become like sports GMs, mining prospective players to be our best fit. If you marry in your 20's or 30's, you have at least a good 40-60 years longer for 'this guy' or 'this girl' to develop. That is probably why Proverbs 31 outlines proper habits for successful development. ie hard work, honesty, faithfulness, persistence. Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades. In our culture, once that potential hasn't done anything, it is kicked to the curb (divorce). And they search all over again, with the same wrong 'list'. So you have to ask yourself: are you good at finding the hidden gem? Because most of the time, those that try to impress to get something, stop trying after they get that thing.
Worrying about settling reveals a selfish approach to marriage that misunderstands the Biblical idea of love. Holding out for 'true love' means demanding a person to whom I am completely attracted in the secular sense, somebody who meets all the qualifications on my list and whom I believe is the 'best I can do'.
In the last post, I said that I don't like the word settling but rather reprioritizing priorities or shortening the list. There will be those that say those are just euphemisms and it is better to call it what it is. However, one thing I learned at camp was that: when you are in the midst of (insert problem here ie storm), it is all about perspective. Storms have a unique ability to stir up fear, impair mental visibility, and ultimately forget the right perspective, but only if you let it. Settling connotes defeat. Defeat even before you have started anything. That is a wrong perspective.
Can settling be good for you? Like I said before, wrong perspective. Let me rephrase that question: Can reprioritizing your priorities be good for you? Yes of course it can. You're not going to use a 1996 almanac to check for the world records because records are there to be broken. You're not going to use the 2001 Zagat book to check restaurant quality. I mean some of the top restaurants are good year in and year out, but personnel changes, food quality changes, neighborhoods change. Your priorities change. If you are measuring with an outdated, faulty, unnecessary 'list', you will get an outdated, faulty, and unnecessary result.
People think if they commit, there may be someone better that comes along. So we do nothing. A good argument I just read was that the larger amount of girls to guys makes the guys  more passive (inactive) and less aggressive (active).  Although this argument looks very valid, it does not negate the fact that men are the initiators. Men should not be passive. Men should be proactive/aggressive. So the fact that there are more girls to guys should not change the aggressiveness in us. Like I said in Post 1, the Proverbs 31 woman is definitely not passive or portrayed as weak. How much more for the dude?!!
Then there are those that do something. They are dating, dare I say married. But in their mind, they have thoughts that this person they are with does not 'match up'. Like Adam & Eve + the original sin, they dont appreciate what they had/have. I mean they had ALL of the Garden. They could do pretty much whatever they wanted: eat, sleep, be naked, everything BUT eating from the tree of knowledge. The devil is a liar! Just like the devil did with A&E, he will try to implant an idea, inception style, that you don't have it all. They are missing this. They are missing that. That there is something better. When in reality, you have a heck of a lot.
Now we need not be completely blind to the realities of seeking security, love and happiness, but as singles we are often accused of being 'too picky'. I know that sometimes our preferences are far too personal to make any sense --- an episode or two of Seinfeld will normalize just how illogical the laws of attraction can be. But if the metric of selection is based on the size of a person’s wallet or waist, then how you pick is your problem. Those measurements change quickly, and as we have all witnessed of late, sometimes quite abruptly.
So please stop thinking that you are 'settling' or that 'a better one will come along'. Because they are right in front of you.
No one wants to or should ever settle. But the opposite of settling, which so many of us fear, is unsettling.
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