Fear of Commitment?
This is the 4th post in an ongoing series on Relationships. Part 3 was on The Opposite of Settling is Unsettling. How the word settling has an inherently defeated connotation and that many times, the best people are right in front of you. My hope is that this series supports and intentionalizes more quality, Godly relationships; and stops some of the childish bickering that happens through an insightful and funny series.
One Rutgers University study found that 94 percent of people in their 20s say the first requirement in a spouse is someone who qualifies as a soul mate. Just as surprising, 87 percent think they’ll actually find that person 'when they are ready'. A culture suspicious of God nevertheless has brazenly embraced some sort of forceful and intelligent destiny that brings two lovelorn souls together! The real danger in this line of thinking is that many people mistake a storm of emotion as the identifying mark of their soul mate. When the music fades and the relationship requires work, one or both partners suddenly discover that they were 'mistaken': this person must not be their soul mate after all! Otherwise, it wouldn’t be so much work. Next they panic. Their soul mate must still be out there! Such people can’t break up or get to divorce court fast enough, lest someone steal their 'one true soul mate' meant only for them. When we get married for trivial reasons, we tend to seek divorce for trivial reasons.
Fear is an emotional response to a perceived threat. In the real world, fear can be acquired by a frightening traumatic accident. Our mind associates experiences with things, good or bad. When I ask people why they don't like certain foods, foods that are sooo good I can't understand why someone wouldn't like it, I get confused. ie guacamole. After asking more questions like: why don't you like this? They usually explain how one of their traumatic accidents like vomiting or the stomach flu was associated with that certain food. It could have been since they were 6 years old. It doesn't matter. It happens all the time. For myself, I had the stomach flu earlier this year. I was blowing up from both ends. That morning I had an abnormally large bowl of oatmeal and after my experience, my mind began to associate the frightening ordeal of vomiting with my large bowl of oatmeal. Now I know it couldn't have been the oatmeal because I had been having a bowl every morning for the last two months. It could have been the sushi I had the night before... But because I had an irregularly large bowl that day, and the fact that I vomited that night, I began to connect oatmeal to vomit. So there went my oatmeal plan for 4 months. I thought it was the grossest thing out there. I gagged at the sight and smell of oatmeal.
Fear is the association of certain things with an undesireable outcome that is based off past traumatic events. Fear does not even have to happen to you for it to affect you! Other people can cast their fears onto you! How crazy! You may not even know why you are afraid of spiders but because you heard all these terrible stories of bad spider bites, the black widow, etc. You associate spiders as being these horrible little creatures that come to haunt and you can't even lay a finger on them anymore. Nah, even be in the same room! Another example is the fear of the economy. The doom and gloom idea can be something that personally affected you before and now you are hesitant to get back into the market, or a traumatic scary event that happened to a close relative or friend who keeps telling you the horrible-ness of their situation. Fear cripples. Fear demoralizes. Fear binds. Fear is a horrible way to live life.
Fear of heights: That feeling of falling. Maybe you fell and hurt yourself when you were younger.
Fear of spiders: The icky, guey, grimy. Why are you so, so scared of these guys?
Fear of Rejection/Commitment:
My introduction brings me to what I want to talk about. The fear of rejection and the fear to commit. No one likes to be rejected. You go after things you want. So to be rejected has a sense of personal defeat. That I am not good enough. Why are guys afraid to ask someone? The fear of rejection. Somewhere in their junior high and high school days, we asked a girl to the winter formal or the high school prom and they said thedreaded two letter word: NO or pretty much got a fluffed up 'I think you're so nice, such a great friend, my mom said, blah, blah, blah answer'
What happened afterwards? The students around would laugh and giggle like mischievous high schoolers. You would have a sense of complete shattering of your manhood. Your friends belittling your upfrontness with piercing darts of ahhh-haha-ha's. You were defeated. PWNED.
The fear of rejection will bind you to do nothing. The game is over when it is over. How do you really know if she will say no or yes? By asking! Thinking she will say no and analyzing every scenario is not the indicator. Replaying every past situation doesn't help either. Oh, she didn't say hi to me, so she is completely ignoring me, she doesn't like me. Oh, she didn't text back in 5 minutes, I am not important. Dude, we all have lives.
Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. —Ambrose Redmoon
Now there are the other guys who may not be afraid of rejection but they are afraid of commitment. Tying back with post 3 on Settling, People think if they commit, there may be someone better that comes along. So we do nothing. The fear to commit or the lack of commitment solely lies on the fact that you are not satisfied with what you have. So what makes us afraid to commit? Maybe it was a while back when you got the first gift or the first prize, but found out there was a better, cooler prize afterwards.
Ironically, in these romantic relationships, the commitmentphobic partner craves what he/she fears most: love and connection. This paradoxical craving for a frightening reality leads to a confusing and destructive pattern of seduction and rejection. The results are emotionally devastating. -Wiki (Fear of Commitment)
To assuage their anxieties, many people with commitment fears become fantasy-driven, using their active imaginations to fill in for the lack of emotional security and closeness in their lives. Of course, these fantasies pose additional problems because no potential partner, car, or job can ever live up to the fantasy.
Fears can be broken.
It just takes courage.
Share on FacebookShould Women Initiate?
This is the 3a post in an ongoing series on Relationships. Part 3 was on The Opposite of Settling is Unsettling. How the word settling has an inherently defeated connotation and that many times, the best people are right in front of you. My hope is that this series supports and intentionalizes more quality, Godly relationships; and stops some of the childish bickering that happens through an insightful and funny series.
Should women take initiative? I recently got asked this question by a friend of mine. My comment turned into a post.
Some thoughts that come to mind:
You don't want a guy that won't go after you. That won't chase you. Percentage wise on how far women should go in initiating, I don't know. I just know you don't want to go 100%.
But it is true that guys are way out numbered by girls, like 2-1 or 3-1 so when you do find someone you REALLY like, I am going to guess that some other girls like that guy too. So you 'have to get yours'. The field is against you. One of the characteristics I said in Proverbs 31 was being diplomatic: Diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your way. I love this quote. Just make him think that he was choosing you 
As in, he may not even really notice you. It is not one side selecting and the other side just obliging, it is both sides mutually agreeing. I don't think women should take the initiative, but they can spark interest in a variety of ways.
The Chase
So you definitely don't want to go 100%, unless you want a guy with no backbone. No balls. So then the question becomes, what percentage is right? There is not a right answer. Some girls are happily content going 99% of the way, meaning the guy just shows up. Actually, for 1% he just sits there. So is it 87%, 67%, 53% 43%, 25%, 0%?
50/50: the line of demarcation. When you go past 50/50 you are playing offensive. Vulnerable to get hurt. Below the 50/50 line, you are playing defensive. It is your home base. You are safe. You won't get hurt because you're not allowing yourself to get hurt. 50/50 means you are there half way and you expect the other partner to come at least half way, which is noble. Now I say 'at least' because women are confusing. Women love to play tricks, whether for good, bad or unknowing intentions.
Example: Women piques guys interest by going 74% of the way her way. Guy thinks 'wow this girl really likes me. I'm interested and I will go on the offensive next time we meet!' Next time they meet, girl is at 0%, guy is at 74% his side and thinks 'what the heck did I do wrong?' Does my cologne stink? Do I have bad breath?' It's the chase. Women love to do it. It's a misnomer to think that some women just play defensive their whole life, because guys just keep coming. That they don't have to do anything. Sure guys flock to specific women but their secret is that they play offense. There is always a problem. The problem for those girls is finding, filtering, and getting the junk guys out of the way. For others, it will mean playing more offense. Positives and negatives to both sides.
Now if you went offensive for a bit then went back to the 50/50 line, not willing yourself to get hurt, he may find you there. It is those who go back and forth, back and forth, that confuse the male species. It's not bad, it's just a work out.
Ultimately, the question is, what kind of guy do you want? A guy that will just play defense? A guy that never goes past 50/50? Or a guy that just takes 3 steps past the line of demarcation? Personally, if I had a daughter, I would want her to get a guy who was offensive, not defensive. There's an old sports cliche 'defense wins you championships'. Meaning, know yourself. Know what you want. Recheck that list. Do what you are good at and what characteristics you want in a potential spouse. However, it is very, very rare to win with just defense. Defense can help your offense. There is no way you will win if you are at 0%. However some people may need to be there for a season of their lives. Maybe you are at 25%. Do you need to be at 40%? 1% point makes a big difference. Just don't stand there at 79%, you'll look a little desperate.
There is an underlying question to: should women take initiative? Why should you have to take initiative? Because you are worried? Because of the outnumbering of girls to guys? Those are bad reasons. Those are worldly reasons.
Does he not notice you because there are tons of other women grabbing at his attention? Then you may have to go on some offense for a bit. Not always. Just to pique his attention. The chase, right? Some great guys are just blinded, consumed with all the 79ers who entice like no other. Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. So you've got to get their attention, the old offense to defense switcharoo, and get those guys 'working out' again.
Share on FacebookThe Opposite of Settling is Unsettling
This is the third post in an ongoing series on Relationships. Part 2 was on The 'List': Dating ≠ Marriage. How dating does not inherently mean you will marry that person. And that the 'list' can be more of a hindrance than an aid. My hope is that this series supports and intentionalizes more quality, Godly relationships; and stops some of the childish bickering that happens through an insightful and funny series.
I read an interesting article by Lori Gottlieb who argues that settling is a better option for the 30+ year old than waiting some more for Mr. Right. We all have a choice & choosing depends on a whole gamut of variables. I know plenty of happy, content 30 year old women. But in our culture, you are not 'there yet' if you are still single into your 30's.
Obviously, I wasn’t always an advocate of settling. In fact, it took not settling to make me realize that settling is the better option, and even though settling is a rampant phenomenon, talking about it in a positive light makes people profoundly uncomfortable. Whenever I make the case for settling, people look at me with creased brows of disapproval or frowns of disappointment, the way a child might look at an older sibling who just informed her that Jerry’s Kids aren’t going to walk, even if you send them money. It’s not only politically incorrect to get behind settling, it’s downright un-American. Our culture tells us to keep our eyes on the prize (while our mothers, who know better, tell us not to be so picky), and the theme of holding out for true love (whatever that is — look at the divorce rate) permeates our collective mentality. - Gottlieb
I am not a woman. I am not 35. or 30. or 25 for that matter. So I have no idea what women are going through when processing relationships. So my feeble attempt to say settling is bad, is a mixed doctrine of American success and wanting the best of the best + God's favor and always expecting the best in my life. I definitely do not agree with parts, even most, of her article but Gottlieb brings up some good points.
To the Men: So you've got the degree. You've got the career. But you don't have the woman. WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? The next total solar eclipse? Well, good because one just happened July 11th, 2010. The next one is November 12, 2012. I hope you are not waiting for that one...
To the Women: So you've got the degree. You've got the career. But you don't have the man. What do you do next? Keep waiting, like you have been, for Mr. Right to come along?
Through Feminist teachings, I think we do a disservice to Proverbs 31; that you need to have all these characteristics before you meet somebody. Now I am not against women equality. Back in the old day, they married really young. And actually I don't think you had the option of choosing. The characteristics were developed. So for guys and girls, one of the most important characteristics to have is to see and fulfill potential, in yourself and in your future spouse. We become like sports GMs, mining prospective players to be our best fit. If you marry in your 20's or 30's, you have at least a good 40-60 years longer for 'this guy' or 'this girl' to develop. That is probably why Proverbs 31 outlines proper habits for successful development. ie hard work, honesty, faithfulness, persistence. Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades. In our culture, once that potential hasn't done anything, it is kicked to the curb (divorce). And they search all over again, with the same wrong 'list'. So you have to ask yourself: are you good at finding the hidden gem? Because most of the time, those that try to impress to get something, stop trying after they get that thing.
Worrying about settling reveals a selfish approach to marriage that misunderstands the Biblical idea of love. Holding out for 'true love' means demanding a person to whom I am completely attracted in the secular sense, somebody who meets all the qualifications on my list and whom I believe is the 'best I can do'.
In the last post, I said that I don't like the word settling but rather reprioritizing priorities or shortening the list. There will be those that say those are just euphemisms and it is better to call it what it is. However, one thing I learned at camp was that: when you are in the midst of (insert problem here ie storm), it is all about perspective. Storms have a unique ability to stir up fear, impair mental visibility, and ultimately forget the right perspective, but only if you let it. Settling connotes defeat. Defeat even before you have started anything. That is a wrong perspective.
Can settling be good for you? Like I said before, wrong perspective. Let me rephrase that question: Can reprioritizing your priorities be good for you? Yes of course it can. You're not going to use a 1996 almanac to check for the world records because records are there to be broken. You're not going to use the 2001 Zagat book to check restaurant quality. I mean some of the top restaurants are good year in and year out, but personnel changes, food quality changes, neighborhoods change. Your priorities change. If you are measuring with an outdated, faulty, unnecessary 'list', you will get an outdated, faulty, and unnecessary result.
People think if they commit, there may be someone better that comes along. So we do nothing. A good argument I just read was that the larger amount of girls to guys makes the guys more passive (inactive) and less aggressive (active). Although this argument looks very valid, it does not negate the fact that men are the initiators. Men should not be passive. Men should be proactive/aggressive. So the fact that there are more girls to guys should not change the aggressiveness in us. Like I said in Post 1, the Proverbs 31 woman is definitely not passive or portrayed as weak. How much more for the dude?!!
Then there are those that do something. They are dating, dare I say married. But in their mind, they have thoughts that this person they are with does not 'match up'. Like Adam & Eve + the original sin, they dont appreciate what they had/have. I mean they had ALL of the Garden. They could do pretty much whatever they wanted: eat, sleep, be naked, everything BUT eating from the tree of knowledge. The devil is a liar! Just like the devil did with A&E, he will try to implant an idea, inception style, that you don't have it all. They are missing this. They are missing that. That there is something better. When in reality, you have a heck of a lot.
Now we need not be completely blind to the realities of seeking security, love and happiness, but as singles we are often accused of being 'too picky'. I know that sometimes our preferences are far too personal to make any sense --- an episode or two of Seinfeld will normalize just how illogical the laws of attraction can be. But if the metric of selection is based on the size of a person’s wallet or waist, then how you pick is your problem. Those measurements change quickly, and as we have all witnessed of late, sometimes quite abruptly.
So please stop thinking that you are 'settling' or that 'a better one will come along'. Because they are right in front of you.
No one wants to or should ever settle. But the opposite of settling, which so many of us fear, is unsettling.
Share on FacebookProverbs 31: the Hard to Find Woman?
My hope is that this series supports and intentionalizes more quality, Godly relationships; and stops some of the childish bickering that happens through an insightful and funny series.
A good woman is hard to find, and worth far more than diamonds. Amplified says A capable, intelligent, and virtuous woman--who is he who can find her? She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls (money).
Is it so hard to find a good woman?
Wife of valor — a strong, capable woman with strong convictions. This description of the ideal wife does not agree with those who associate femininity with weakness and passivity.
My mom and dad were pretty avid collectors of antique memorabilia. Whenever they went on a trip, they would come back with different relics from here and there. Most of the time the items were really cheap buys. To them it was worth a lot more than the price that they bought. One time I remember kicking a basketball with my little brother near the antiques and my little bro kicked a hard ball which bounced off my leg and onto a Jerusalem dish. The dish didn't know what was coming and shattered into several smaller pieces. My mom was near by in the kitchen, and hearing the loud noise ran over to see what had been broken. After seeing the broken Jerusalem plate, she started to cry. Trying to cover up, I asked, "Mom, I can buy you another plate...." Rule #1 when your mom is crying: never try to console the broken thing with a new thing. it's just not the same. Then my mom said in broken English, 'It is from Jerusalem, They don't make these kinds of plates anymore. Another one cannot be bought.' I mean, I felt bad, but I was not hurt as much as my mom. She loved that because of the experience she had buying it with my dad on a very emotional trip to the Middle East. She loved the plate because it symbolized more than just a plate. She loved that because there is nothing like the original. So being helpless and hopeless, I just stood there watching my mom cry and staring stupidly at my little brother's face. I could do nothing. After my whooping, my mom glued it back together and kept it. To this day, it is still hanging with cracks and all.
Her husband trusts her without reserve,
and never has reason to regret it.
TRUST WORTHY - Probably one of THEE most important characteristics needed. Why do divorces happen? Pretty much boils down to lack of trust. Do people come to you with secrets? And you actually keep them? Do you gossip? Her husband trusts her management of their resources. Her industriousness adds to the family income.
Never spiteful, she treats him generously
all her life long. Amplified says she comforts and encourages...
FORGIVING, FAITHFUL - How is someone never annoyed? Never offended? They may get offended or annoyed but they don't stay that way. They forgive. They are faithful. Are you forgiving or do you hold grudges? Are you faithful, an encourager? Like can you keep a job for more than two years, not quitting or getting fired. Her actions are not based on how she is treated by others or by what others think. Her character is steady. She is reliable and dependable.
She shops around for the best yarns and cottons,
and enjoys knitting and sewing. Amplified says and works with willing hands to develop it...
WISE DECISION MAKER, EDUCATED, BUSINESSWOMAN - You don't know the best about something unless you have done your research. Kind of ties into 'woman like to shop theory' but it says after that she enjoys making something from those purchases. She doesn't just buy made things, she MAKES things! I mean she is thrifty, creative, and is clever like MacGyver. Anyone can buy things.
She's like a trading ship that sails to faraway places
and brings back exotic surprises.
COOK, EXCITING, ADVENTUROUS, DIPLOMATIC, HOT - (A simile is a figure of speech that says that one thing is like another different thing. We can use similes to make descriptions more emphatic or vivid.) Here we get our first simile about a woman being like a trading ship bringing back exotic surprises. From this, I get someone who knows how to trade. One who doesn't get hustled, but hustles... She also must know what is good and exotic. Again she is really sharp and articulate. Trading ships went into unknown territory meaning she would be adventurous and knew how to get back home. The trait not to settle for the mediocre is portrayed by a woman who goes the extra mile for quality items.
She's up before dawn, preparing breakfast
for her family and organizing her day.
HARD WORKING, COOK, ORGANIZED - Again a reference to a woman who can cook 
But more importantly it mentions that she gets up before dawn. ie the first light of day. Though the woman described here has servants to take care of many of the household duties, she sets the pace. She understands that good managers have a responsibility to take care of those under their authority.
She looks over a field and buys it,
then, with money she's put aside, plants a garden.
FINANCIALLY WISE, SAVER, HARD WORKER, ORGANIC - Another doubled up theme of hard work. Do you think planting a garden is easy? I would also add patient because gardens take a long time of nurture, care and years to see its first fruits. Going back to the first part, she 'looks over a field and buys it'. Anyone can buy a field. Can you buy a field with good soil? ie reap a good harvest. ie good investment. Gardens don't grow on bad soil. Every woman doesn’t have to go into real estate and horticulture — the principle here is that this woman uses her mind. She does not act on a whim, but logically analyzes a situation before making a decision. Her goals are not only short term — she envisions the long-range benefits of her decisions.
First thing in the morning, she dresses for work, rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started.
Amplified says 'She girds herself with strength [spiritual, mental, and physical fitness for her God-given task] and makes her arms strong and firm'.
WORKS OUT, GOD SEEKER, GOOD ATTITUDE, HARD WORKER - (I like the Amplified version of this verse) Again she wakes up early but this time to seek after God. So far we know she wakes up before dawn, seeks God, makes breakfast, and organizes her day! Now just that right there would be enough but we aren't even half way through! We get a picture of a woman who vigorously goes about her duties. She keeps herself healthy and strong by proper health practices — good diet, adequate rest and exercise. Many people depend on her.
She senses the worth of her work, is in no hurry to call it quits for the day.
Amplified says 'She tastes and sees that her gain from work [with and for God] is good; her lamp goes not out, but it burns on continually through the night [of trouble, privation, or sorrow, warning away fear, doubt, and distrust]'.
She's skilled in the crafts of home and hearth,
diligent in homemaking.
INDUSTRIOUS, COMPETITIVE, PLANNER, PROTECTOR - The example she sets is one of skill and industriousness. Whether this woman would be a computer programmer, a concert pianist, a mother, or all three, she develops her talents and hones her skills through education and diligent application.
She's quick to assist anyone in need,
reaches out to help the poor.
COMPASSIONATE, CARING, LOVING, BOLD, COURAGEOUS - She is quick to assist. Not slow. So she has discernment to know right off hand. Another big word is ANYONE, she helps anyone. Although it’s good to donate to needy causes, this means far more than writing a check. This woman shows personal concern. She visits the sick, comforts the lonely and depressed, and delivers food to those in need.
She doesn't worry about her family when it snows;
their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear.
She makes her own clothing,
and dresses in colorful linens and silks.
DESIGNER, PREPARED, SMART - By now if you don't know she is smart, you are a fool. This woman has high standards and dresses properly for the occasion.
Her husband is greatly respected
when he deliberates with the city fathers.
She designs gowns and sells them,
brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops.
ENTREPRENEUR, BUSINESS WOMAN, WELL CONNECTED - This man does not have to spend half his time trying to straighten out problems at home, and his success in the social world comes partly from her support, just as her success comes partly from his support. The original woman of Proverbs 31 couldn’t phone her husband for his opinion on matters. She made many of the day-to-day decisions about their property and goods. He trusted her to manage the estate efficiently. Miss Independent.
Her clothes are well-made and elegant,
and she always faces tomorrow with a smile.
When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say,
and she always says it kindly.
FASHIONABLE, JOYFUL, HOPEFUL, ELOQUENT SPEECH - This woman is well read and has the facts. She knows what she is talking about. Whether about her job, her personal values or her opinion on world events, she is able to express herself intelligently, tactfully and diplomatically. People come to her for good advice. A beautiful smile too
She keeps an eye on everyone in her household,
and keeps them all busy and productive.
Her children respect and bless her;
her husband joins in with words of praise:
"Many women have done wonderful things,
but you've outclassed them all!"
DELEGATE-R, GREAT MOTHER, WORTHY TO BE PRAISED - Summed up by what the husband would say, she has it going on! Funny how everything just described were inward attributes of beauty, yet guys (myself included) seek the outward beauty.
Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades.
The woman to be admired and praised
is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God.
Give her everything she deserves!
Festoon her life with praises!
This woman is actively doing, not merely talking. She does not boast about her plans for the future or her successes of the past. They are obvious.
I wrote a lot more but felt it should be split up into several parts.
- Part 2 - The 'List': Dating ≠ Marriage
- Part 3 - The Opposite of Settling is Unsettling
- Part 4 - Fear of Commitment?
- Part 5 - Then Why Haven't You Asked Anyone?